It’s You, Not Me
"I’m just super busy don’t take it personally" actually means "fuck off you’re dead to me"?
Maybe because I’m an only child, I was never good at cultivating friendships. I don’t know if it was my aloofness, shyness that disguised my hidden loneliness and vulnerability I carried for as long as I can remember. I got very good at learning how to ignore my loneliness by becoming immersed in self-taught art projects, daydreaming a lot as school and stuffing the dark void with boxes of Cap’t Crunch in front of a little black-and-white TV set. When I was seven years-old I was hanging out with my mom, who was gardening in the back yard and I wanted to help. “Go play with your friends”, she said. “Scram, vamoose! I’m tired of you hanging around me.” But my only friend was away with her family for the summer and we weren’t really close friends anyway.
“Mom, I don’t know how to make friends. I’ve tried making playdates with kids around school but when I call they’re never home. I even tried giving my snacks away at lunch. I really want friends but I don’t know how to get a friend.”
My mother looked up from the garden and glared at me. “You are needy, M____. And people don’t like needy people.”
I sighed. I felt this weight of needy like I was cursed, everyone could see it and wanted to run from me. I asked my mom, “But how do you not be needy when are actually lonely and needy?”
And this paradox still haunts me today.
My good friend is way too busy and cool to hang out with a loser like me
I’ve been trying for months to let go of the hurt, I’ve tried to tell myself maybe she really is busy with other things are you’re just being a needy little annoying bitch who’s trying too hard because you’re compensating that people won’t like you for being you because you’re a needy loser.